People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
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Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
That eye roll….
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*