You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
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Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.