If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
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So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again