Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
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I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.