i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
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WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.