I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
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Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Not today
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Good morning, Twitter x
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.