Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
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you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
when someone compliments me
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,