Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
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Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo