*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
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You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?