every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
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wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face