I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
You Might Also Like
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Meow
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
reminder
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.