An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
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Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.