Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
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You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
At least my masseuse has my back.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house