Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
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If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster