It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices