Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
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woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.