Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
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An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
somebody come look at this
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!