Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
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When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.