If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
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Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”