Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
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Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.