*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
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It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school