me after drinking all the wine:
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At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Don’t talk down to me
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.