Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
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Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Was it something I said?
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
🤭😂
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
@ candidates for local office
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Had to try this trend 😊
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.