Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
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Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.