Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
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When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”