Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
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You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Pickled cat.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Quadruple digit IQ
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.