It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
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GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!