going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
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[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My neck my back my allergy attack
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.