I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
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7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
True freaking story!
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”