A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
We all have our pet causes.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter