Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
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[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
smh
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order