[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
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Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for