Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
You Might Also Like
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.