If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
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I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Damn what did I do next
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.