When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
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Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?