I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
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Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
how to have an accident 101
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change