“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
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Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys