“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
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okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.