*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
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14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
when mom throws a party…
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god