This a good idea
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You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline