Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
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[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Me trying to walk in a dream
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Ooh I do like a good funnel
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work