Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
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Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look