I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
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Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Human are so complicated
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)