Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
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Meanwhile in Canada…
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
584.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.