I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
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I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast