“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
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me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.