I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
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“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
he’s sick of your bullshit today
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.