Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
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I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
me logging onto twitter
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.