ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF