One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
early stone age tool
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.